Episode 29
Alex Attwood & Grace Meadows talk about mental health in the music industry
Personal stories of inspiration from music industry professionals.
This episode of the Music Room podcast is dedicated to Mental Health Awareness Week, focusing on the mental health challenges faced by individuals working in the music industry. Gareth chats with composer Alex Attwood and head of charity Music Minds Matter Grace Meadows.
Host: Gareth Davies
Produced by Gareth Davies at The Sound Boutique.
Links
Transcript
Welcome to the music room.
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:At this time in the music room.
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:Alex Attwood: I used to go to
London all the time, go out for
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:coffees, everyone was very nice, you
know, loads of stuff fell through.
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:Maybe some of it was personal, maybe some
of it was circumstantial, I don't know.
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:But in the end I kind of went, 20
production companies can't all be wrong.
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:At which point I kind of went, well look,
actually this library is really lovely and
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:I am still writing music, so just do that.
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:Grace Meadows: you know, the sense
of control, autonomy, agency, and
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:all of these things are critical
to positive mental health.
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:The idea that you've got some, some
ability to control what's happening
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:around you with the knowledge
that you can't control everything.
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:That's, that's really important.
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:Gareth: Hello, and welcome to the music
green, the show where I usually chat with
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:music industry professionals, about what
they're up to before going back in time
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:to find out how it all began for them.
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:I say usually because
this episode is different.
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:Y because this is mental
health awareness week.
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:Let me ask you a question.
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:How has working in the music industry,
whether you're a composer, a songwriter.
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:Uh, musician a mix or mastering
engineer at a label, whatever it
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:is, how has working in the music
industry affected your mental health?
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:It's a question that we perhaps
don't ask ourselves often enough.
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:I've wanted to make a special episode
around mental health for a long time.
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:And recently I felt like there were a lot
of people in the music industry who are
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:perhaps more aware of their own struggles.
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:So if you're listening to
this, having experienced mental
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:health issues of your own.
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:Then this is for you.
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:If you've listened to this episode
and recognize that perhaps you might
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:need to explore your own mental health
further, then this is also for you.
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:I'm going to look at the terminology
surrounding mental health and some
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:of the diagnosed mental health
conditions or disorders as they're
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:sometimes known, uh, and in return,
I'd like you to consider the question.
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:Does that sound like me?
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:And if it does start thinking about
what you can do to either seek, help or
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:improve your mental health in some way.
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:And believe me when I say
you're certainly not alone.
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:Being a composer songwriter
or musician, for instance.
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:Often involves long
stretches and isolation.
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:And one of today's guests is going
to talk about their experiences of
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:that in more depth, that guest is
Alex Atwood, a composer specializing
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:in production library, music.
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:My other guest today is Grace
Meadows, head of music minds matter.
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:Uh, for those of you who don't
know what music minds matter is,
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:their tagline is always have mental
health support in your pocket.
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:And grace is going to explain
what they do way better than
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:I can in a few minutes time.
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:But if you work in music and are
struggling to cope or know someone
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:who is, you can talk to music
minds matter, it doesn't have
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:to be a crisis or about music.
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:They're here to listen,
support and help at any time.
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:Right.
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:Let's have a look at what it all means.
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:I sometimes hear people describe having
mental health issues as suffering from
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:mental health, which when you think about
it, it doesn't make a great deal of sense.
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:You wouldn't say suffering
from physical health.
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:So I want to get that out straight away,
because if we're having a conversation,
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:it's important to get these things right.
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:And to look past the catch-all
term of mental health.
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:Oh, okay.
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:From the world health organization,
they have key facts on their website.
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:One in every eight people in the
world live with a mental disorder.
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:I'm not sure I like the word
disorder, but that's what they use.
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:Uh, mental disorders involve
significant disturbances in thinking
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:emotional regulation or behavior.
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:There are many different
types of mental disorders.
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:Effective prevention and
treatment options exist.
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:And most people don't have
access to effective care.
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:And so that last point, I think in the
UK, there are certainly organizations
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:you can reach out to one being music
minds matter as I've already mentioned.
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:Uh, they list disorders as anxiety
disorders, depression, bipolar disorder.
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:Post-traumatic stress disorder,
schizophrenia, eating disorders.
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:disruptive behavior and
the social disorders.
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:And neurodevelopmental disorders.
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:So they go on.
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:Who's at risk from
developing a mental disorder.
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:At any one time, a diverse set
of individual family, community,
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:and structural factors.
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:May combine to protect or
undermine mental health.
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:Although most people are resilient.
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:People who are exposed
to adverse circumstances,
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:including poverty, violence.
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:Disability and inequality.
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:Are at higher risk.
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:Protective and risk factors
include individual psychological
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:and biological factors.
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:Uh, such as emotional
skills as well as genetics.
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:And I find that really interesting
because although it mentions genetics
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:there at the end, Some things
can be passed down, obviously.
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:It leads with a variety of factors
combining to create a scenario where
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:your mental health can be affected.
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:And anyone who sat in a studio for
months at a time writing and recording
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:their best work, often emailing a
networking to a wall of silence.
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:That to me, sounds like you
could be vulnerable to mental
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:health issues popping up.
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:Okay.
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:So that's a bit of background to
what I'm looking at in this episode.
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:But before we get into the music
room, let's have some music stories.
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:I asked the music green Facebook group.
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:How has being a composer, songwriter,
or musician affected your mental health?
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:Uh, there were replies and some agreed
to have their replies read out now.
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:I'm not going to mention names
outside of the Facebook group, just
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:to maintain that trust and support
within the music green community.
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:First one reads I'm currently
living with chronic illness that
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:is at times hugely limiting.
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:Over the last couple of months for
the first time, it's affecting my
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:ability to write music and work
for any significant length of time.
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:And this is heartbreaking for me.
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:In the past, I've had anxiety and
depression and realized at the time
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:that it was in part due to taking a
long career break from writing music.
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:Once I started up again,
everything changed.
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:It turns out I need to compose
to keep me level and happy.
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:Now I'm anxious about what will happen
to both my career and mental health.
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:If I don't get physically better soon.
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:Next I'm write music and
books to aid my mental health.
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:Unfortunately only have to do it as a
hobby rather than rely on for income.
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:I've been three dark moments in my life
and I've survived to tell the story.
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:That's great.
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:Please reach out as everyone here in
the group is here to help each other.
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:And that's really nice of you to say.
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:Uh, lastly, I was diagnosed
with bipolar when I was 30.
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:I have a rare kind in which
I only suffer with highs.
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:I say suffer, but the truth is one or two
highs have helped me produce my best work.
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:That's interesting.
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:As long as one is mindful of what
triggers them and takes the medication
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:consistently and follows doctor's orders.
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:There is absolutely no reason
why they can't live a full and
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:wonderful life medication for
life, and also happy to talk.
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:Should anyone wish to.
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:That goes to show doesn't it that
you don't have to be at a critical
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:point to address these things.
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:And in that case, recognizing
what the issue was.
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:Has helped them.
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:It's also one of the things I love
about the music room community.
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:Everyone is so thoughtful, even when
they're talking about themselves.
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:So music reamers, thanks for
turning up and taking part.
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:I really appreciate it.
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:And those are today's music stories.
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:Composer and multi-instrumentalist
Alex Atwood is known for his
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:versatile and atmospheric use
of live and electronic music.
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:Creating scores that enhance
and compliment in any production
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:commissions include the longest reign,
top gear Caribbean with Simon Reeve.
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:Oh, that's great.
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:Rivers, dispatches and master chef.
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:Great Meadows is the new head of charity
music minds matter and is called upon
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:people across the music industry to
widen the mental health profession
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:across the full spectrum of roles.
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:Evolving out of the
charity help musicians.
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:Music minds matter began in 2017
as a 24 hour helpline for music
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:industry workers to call for support
and help while this helpline is
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:still a key part of the offering.
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:It's now charity in its own.
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:Right.
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:With big plans for expansion.
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:I was blown away by the
Canada of Alex and grace.
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:It's made me think about
my own working day.
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:So let's get into the music cream
and hear what they have to say.
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:Composer Alex Atwood and head
of Music Minds Matter, Grace
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:Meadows, welcome to the music room.
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:Alex Attwood: Thank you very
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:much.
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:Grace Meadows: thank you.
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:Gareth: Grace, let's start with you.
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:As I mentioned there, you're
the head of Music Minds Matter,
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:which is part of Help Musicians.
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:Tell us a little bit about the
organisation and your role within that.
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:Grace Meadows: Great, yes.
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:So Music Minds Matter is the sister
charity of Help Musicians, which has been
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:running for over a hundred years, and
it does what it says on the tin, really.
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:It helps musicians, and it helps
them, um, at challenging moments,
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:throughout their musical lives,
but it also helps them to flourish.
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:And to help them be the
musicians that they aspire to be.
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:And of course, success looks
different for everybody.
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:So we think very much about what that
musician or creator wants to achieve
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:in their career and we, and we support
them as, as best as we possibly can.
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:So that comes with all kinds of
different advice that we provide,
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:whether it's business advice, whether
it's health or welfare advice.
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:But what we noticed around 2017
was that we were receiving more and
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:more, Inquiries about the support
for mental health needs of musicians.
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:And that was a trend that
was coming to us as well from
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:across the industry as a whole.
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:And so we set up a program within Help
Musicians called Music Minds Matter.
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:And what we realized was actually it
needed to be its own thing because
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:of the scale and the challenge that
was being presented to us around
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:mental health and the music industry.
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:So a couple of years ago, um,
it broke away and became its
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:own charity, but it's very much.
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:Connected into into help musicians.
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:So if you're a musician and you're
coming to us with a mix of issues
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:mental health might be one of those,
then you'll be channeled into Music
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:Minds Matter and and vice versa.
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:If you come to Music Minds Matter and
actually the support you can access
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:from help musicians, then You're very
much signposted that, but Music Minds
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:Matter, the big point of difference
between that and Help Musicians is that
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:Music Minds Matter is here for everybody
working in the music ecosystem, because
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:we can't just single out one group of
people or one strand of the industry.
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:Because, mental health belongs to us all.
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:And so actually, in just supporting
one group or one segment, we're not
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:really tackling the challenge that
we're facing around mental health.
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:And so whilst we provide services,
we're also working to change
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:culture around mental health.
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:And for us to be able to have
conversations around mental health,
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:where people feel safe to do so.
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:But also for the industry as a whole
to be putting mental health much more
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:stage when it comes to working practices
the way that we want this industry to
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:be understood, uh, in terms of how it's
supporting the people that help it thrive.
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:Gareth: And, of course, one of
the great things about Music
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:Minds Matter is the accessibility.
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:You know, if you are a PRS for Music
member, you can access free counselling.
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:So it's as simple as that.
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:You know, you can get
in touch straight away.
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:So that accessibility, I
think, is really important.
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:is fantastic and really important as well.
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:Alex, you're a composer.
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:Uh, I try not to pigeonhole you,
but you have become quite the
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:expert in production library music.
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:Yeah.
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:Alex Attwood: I've done in the
last sort of five, 10 years now.
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:Gareth: So give us a little background
about how you became a composer in
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:the first place and how did you end up
concentrating on production music in
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:Alex Attwood: Um, so I
started at university.
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:I saw it very much as a platform for, for.
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:Writing and playing funk music, basically,
um, albeit with a massive student debt.
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:I didn't really think it
through and it was wonderful.
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:I ran a 10 piece funk band for four
years and it was like a giant family.
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:Uh, then uni finished and I
just moved into DJing, playing
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:lots of jazz function bands.
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:And, uh, it was a nice way of life
and I got engaged when I was about 24.
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:And as I was coming in from work, my
fiance was getting up to go to college.
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:Uh, about four nights a
week, mornings a week.
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:And I didn't think that that was conducive
to a happy marriage moving forward.
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:So I was sort of rattling my brain as
to how to make music work for me, but
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:in a way that might actually dovetail
into family life and, um, yeah, sort
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:of composing popped up as an option
and I spent about two years, just
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:Presumably what everyone else did just
writing demos desperately trying to
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:get work from anywhere Landed a couple
of lucky corporates and uh, and then
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:spent a whole year I must have sent off
about 300 dvds that were tailor made
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:for different companies I'd researched
and they all used to get individual
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:postcards I had three rejection emails
out of the 300 and no other responses.
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:It was, it wasn't quite soul destroying.
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:Interestingly, the soul destroying
part of the career came later because
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:I was young and enthusiastic at that
point, and I evidently had enough there.
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:Hutzpah, just to keep going, and out
of nowhere I landed a Disney cartoon
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:from a company I'd not even approached.
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:You know, you make your own luck, I guess.
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:You know, the universe answered me in
some peculiar way, and that was lovely.
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:So I did a couple of cartoon
series with Disney and a couple of
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:subsidiaries, and just as that was
kicking off, we got hit by:
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:All sorts of things got cancelled,
including everything I was working on.
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:Coincided with us moving from
Edinburgh to Herefordshire,
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:which is obviously very rural.
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:Um, wasn't a whole lot of sort of music
stuff going on, and I certainly hadn't
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:got the wherewithal to go looking for it.
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:Because I've never had to, it
had always been on my doorstep.
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:And I think that's something
that I've really taken home
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:after, you know, a long time now.
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:Is You've got to realize what
it is that you need early on
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:and know how to look for it.
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:But it's easy to say now.
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:So yeah, I did a bit of library work,
managed to get a BBC job and then
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:spent about five, six years doing
BBC documentaries and travel docs.
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:Uh, and it was great.
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:Um, for one reason or another,
that petered out, people moved
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:departments, different budgets
went, it's the way of the world.
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:And.
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:I ended up back with the library that
I'd done work for and have a very
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:good relationship with the UK MD.
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:And that's all I've done
for about five, six years.
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:And it's lovely.
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:He's a super guy.
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:I like everyone in the team.
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:The music is diverse.
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:I get to write everything from sort of big
band Latin to string quartets to country.
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:It's yeah, it's, it's a good way of life.
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:I do enjoy it.
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:Um, it has its drawbacks,
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:which is why we're here.
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:Gareth: indeed.
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:We'll get on to that.
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:Absolutely.
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:But yeah, to have one main client,
that's, that's quite something, isn't it?
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:Alex Attwood: Well, interestingly,
they have always encouraged
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:me to diversify there.
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:It's not like they, uh, say
don't work for no one else.
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:And I've, I've looked for work with other
libraries and it's either not appealed to
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:me or not appealed to the other library.
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:Wow.
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:Gareth: you found your library, you know,
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:Alex Attwood: it's a well fitting suit.
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:Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:That's it.
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:Gareth: brilliant.
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:Grace, you heard the music stories in
today's episode about, uh, there was
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:one about living with chronic illness.
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:There was writing music and books to aid
mental health and being bipolar and only
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:suffering the highs, which is unusual.
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:What do you see in your role as the
main mental health challenges in
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:the music sector and the impacts
actually of those challenges on
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:professional and personal life?
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:Yeah,
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:Grace Meadows: Well, I thought all of
those comments that we received were
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:fascinating and I think what they touch
upon is, uh, all of them is, and, and
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:also we've also mentioned them here
already is, the pressure to always be on.
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:So it's an industry where if you're
not there at the gig, either in person
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:or online, someone else will be.
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:And I certainly found
that when I was studying.
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:Um, and there were lots of pressures
about how you turn up, being
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:perfect, um, getting it right.
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:Being invited back.
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:That is, that is hard.
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:That performance element.
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:And, and I don't think that's
unique to just to musicians.
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:I think that is in any role, especially
when so much of the industry is
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:structured around a freelance basis.
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:So,
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:Gareth: the word freelance.
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:Yeah.
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:Grace Meadows: yeah.
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:You're only as good as
your last gig, right?
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:It's a different setup when you're in a
PAYE environment and there's structures
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:and there's processes in place.
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:But actually, if you're freelance
and, you think you've turned in some
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:great work, but actually they don't
like it for whatever reason, then
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:that's kind of, out of your control.
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:And so there are lots of things that
then span out of that, whether it's, you
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:know, the sense of control, autonomy,
agency, and all of these things are
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:critical to positive mental health.
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:The idea that you've got some, some
ability to control what's happening
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:around you with the knowledge
that you can't control everything.
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:That's, that's really important.
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:But I think what accompanies, you
All of that is the stress and the
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:burnout that comes with that perpetual
need to be on, to be visible,
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:to be ready, to be responsive.
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:But also the anxiety that that
can bring and then the depression
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:that comes with that, you know.
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:But we've all got a little bit of elastic
in us and we know when we can give a
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:little bit more and then pull back and
go, actually I can take the foot off the
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:gas a little bit at the moment because
I know this is coming along the way.
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:line and I probably need to save
myself a bit for that, but actually
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:when that elastic is constantly being
stretched, it's going to lose that,
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:that ability to be tense and you're
going to find yourself collapsing.
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:So I think that those are some really,
really key, key things that we're
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:being presented with at the moment.
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:And then of course, you know, what
that does over time, you know, as
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:humans, we expect to experience stress.
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:It's an innate Feeling within us is
what's kept us alive as a species, you
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:know, to be able to ward off threats,
but It's when those stressors become
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:chronic and they're having detrimental
impacts on our well being that we're
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:moving into different territory around
our mental health and our well being.
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:And it's when they escalate and there's,
behaviors that are, uh, really unhealthy
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:that accompany that or find that actually
it becomes a really acute condition.
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:So, I think overall, having come back
from the pandemic and now in this
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:cost of living crisis, we thought
things might be slightly different.
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:But actually, I think there's this panic
to do things really well, constantly on.
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:And then, as I say, the anxiety and
depression that comes with that,
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:and the stress and the burnout.
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:And of course, then, you know,
the isolation and loneliness
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:that that can give rise to.
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:You might not want to talk
about any of these things.
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:And so you can feel very alone,
which again, just perpetuates things.
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:So it's really easy to find yourself and,
and other people actually in spirals.
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:Gareth: Yeah, yeah, I'm certainly right.
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:talking of isolation, Alex, you
have experienced this, haven't you?
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:Can you describe for us what mental
health issues you've experienced?
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:Can you actually pinpoint when you
started to experience these issues as
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:well as maybe identify why they started?
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:Alex Attwood: Yeah.
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:So Grace speaks so eloquently
about it, actually.
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:I think I probably learned more in
the last five minutes than the last
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:20 years about my own predicament.
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:Um, I think the bit that, just to get
back to what Grace was saying about
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:the people accessing the services that
she's offering with Music Minds Matter
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:and Help Musicians is, I think even if
you're accessing them, That in itself
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:shows a sort of self awareness, which I
think a lot of people could really use
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:more of, including myself, certainly.
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:I think a big issue I suffered from
was that I simply didn't have the
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:emotional wherewithal to realize
that I had become incredibly
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:isolated, that I was stressed out.
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:I was looking at everything in
a very black and white manner.
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:I'm married, I'm healthy, I have friends.
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:What's the problem?
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:Come on, pull yourself together, man.
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:It's just a bit of work.
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:And so to answer your question, I first
noticed it was after we moved rurally
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:in Herefordshire and the work had dried
up from:
388
:away, making demos and doing this and
that, but I was basically creating smoke
389
:and mirrors, not to pretend I was working
because I genuinely felt like I ought to
390
:do something, but actually it was just So
that I felt that I was doing something.
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:And, um, increasingly I used to find
myself sort of sitting on the stairs.
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:Three hours at a time, just
with my head in my hands.
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:And rather than going alarm bells, I'd
sort of get up and go, Right, that's
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:sitting on the stairs taken care of.
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:Let's go and sit outside for a bit.
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:And feel miserable there.
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:Again, without really thinking,
Oh, this is a problem.
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:And it came to a head.
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:I think my wife came back and went
like, you could just get a job and
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:maybe earn some money and go and meet
some people, get some self esteem.
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:And this was an absolute anathema
because I'd already decided that
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:I was a full time composer and I
hadn't realized how much of my self
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:worth I'd poured into that construct.
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:And to have the, this fragile
construct shaken about like
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:that turned into what we.
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:Described as mug gate.
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:I was so angry with her, I threw
my mug of coffee into a tree.
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:Gareth: Oh no!
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:Alex Attwood: it was, that was a
point at which we sort of looked
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:at each other and went, I think
there's a bit of an issue here.
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:That's, that's not okay, is it?
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:I was like, no, I'm sorry about that.
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:That's, right, that's a thing.
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:So, I think I sought
counselling after that.
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:And, but again, rather than looking at
the um, sort of professional aspect of
416
:it, we just sort of looked at everything.
417
:Because I mean, you know, we're
all victims of our own circumstance
418
:if you choose to look for it.
419
:Thanks.
420
:And it's only really been in the
last sort of year or two that I've
421
:gone, Uh, I've worked on my own for
20 years and we live really rurally.
422
:And I quite often go
for full days at a time.
423
:In fact, frankly, full weeks at a time.
424
:Where between, you know, nine and
four, I won't speak to anyone.
425
:I won't see anyone.
426
:There's no one to nudge and say, Oh,
have you just seen spectrosonics?
427
:I've just done the latest update
or, Oh, I've just written a
428
:really, really bad four bars.
429
:That's taken me three hours.
430
:What a klutz.
431
:There's no feedback.
432
:So it's not even an echo
chamber because there's no echo.
433
:It's just nothing.
434
:And, So without wishing to be unhelpful,
I feel, I feel lucky because I've
435
:had regular work and that's lovely.
436
:So I haven't had the anxieties
that, that Grace was talking of,
437
:and there's certainly been points
at which I have worried very much
438
:for what I'm going to do for money.
439
:But actually, you know, I've
been so, so lucky with my
440
:publishing company and library.
441
:They've been brilliant.
442
:But what I have only just realized is that
Actually, you, you do need to be around
443
:other people for a portion of the day.
444
:You need, you need feedback.
445
:I, I would find myself going
into social situations, you
446
:know, maybe once or twice a week.
447
:And I've almost lost
the art of conversation.
448
:You forget.
449
:You'll say something in a jokey
manner, and then wildly overthink
450
:it afterwards because you've
not really had any practice.
451
:So you start to lose your sense
of, well, confidence, I guess.
452
:I even got social anxiety, which is
not something I've ever had before.
453
:And I know it's reasonably common,
but it's not something I'd had.
454
:And, say, it's just Solitude.
455
:And the big hurdle for
me was admitting it.
456
:People have hangups
about different things.
457
:I've never been ashamed
to say I'm out of work.
458
:I haven't got any money, or I'm not
feeling very well, or I've failed at
459
:something, or I've upset somebody.
460
:A big hangup for me took me about
15 years to say, I'm lonely.
461
:That was about the hardest
thing I'd ever had to admit.
462
:And it sounded all the
stranger to me because.
463
:I do have friends and I
do have a loving family.
464
:So I couldn't really work out any
of the very sort of British thing
465
:of, well, well better not make a
fuss then, because actually the
466
:architecture of my life is fairly robust.
467
:So, um, maybe there isn't a problem,
but it's got to the point where.
468
:I can't, I can't deny there's a problem
and it's not fair to those around me
469
:to deny that there's a problem, you
know, we have to accept it in order
470
:that I can do something about it.
471
:And it's lovely because I do talk about
it a lot more and, uh, interestingly
472
:that has encouraged quite a few other
friends of mine who I thought were in
473
:a perfectly normal situation to go, Oh,
actually I work on my own and it's fine.
474
:Really, really, really hard.
475
:And it's making me a not
nice person to my family.
476
:And it's, um, it's a
bit of a taboo, I think.
477
:Um,
478
:Gareth: enough, it was only in preparing
for this episode that I realized, um,
479
:because I started podcasting in, uh, 2019.
480
:And that was its own
project, but I continued.
481
:And obviously the pandemic happened
and I started a podcast in order to
482
:just, you know, have a little window
to the world and keep conversations
483
:going with creative people.
484
:But it's only preparing for this episode
that I realize it's because I'm isolated.
485
:That's why I have podcasts.
486
:That's, that's why we, you know,
we're having a nice conversation
487
:now we can see each other.
488
:And I love that, you know, it, keeps.
489
:the wolf from the door, or you
know, whatever you want to call it.
490
:In the Music Room community, we have
a regular weekly cuppa, cuppa and
491
:chat it's called, and um, it's usually
nine o'clock on a Thursday morning,
492
:and we just talk absolute nonsense.
493
:But it is that kind of office
feeling, Grace, you're in your
494
:office now, but We're not.
495
:We're in a
496
:room by ourselves.
497
:And, uh, it's just a nice thing
to do to even if it's online, you
498
:know, it's, um, it's nice to have a
499
:Grace Meadows: I think, I think what
you're both tapping into is what it
500
:means to be human and we are inherently
social creatures So we need that contact.
501
:We need that feedback.
502
:We need to be able to sense check how
we're viewing the world through other
503
:people's eyes We need that stimulation
That challenge and if we don't get it you
504
:suddenly it gives rise to stuff that It's
almost like it has a breeding ground.
505
:Gareth: Yeah,
506
:Grace Meadows: Because you've
got nobody challenging that.
507
:So,
508
:Alex Attwood: well then you do echo
the, you develop the echo chamber of
509
:your own sort of self doubt because
there's no one to challenge you on it.
510
:Grace Meadows: No, and one of the ways
that really sort of resonates with
511
:me on the loneliness is I remember
sitting for hours and hours in basement
512
:practice rooms at music college.
513
:And thinking, what is
the meaning of my life?
514
:I've now practiced this movement between
E and D flat on the bassoon so many
515
:times that I can't feel my fingers.
516
:What is the meaning of life?
517
:You know, why am I doing this?
518
:What difference, what impact
am I having on the world?
519
:And what contribution am I, am I having?
520
:And I think that they're the kind of
existential big life questions that
521
:can sort of get in on you, which
I think are good to talk about.
522
:think about, but actually if you're
not able to voice them and share
523
:them with other people, they can
give rise to serious anxiety.
524
:You know, you're sitting there
practicing fingerings and thinking,
525
:what difference am I going to make to
the world by learning how to do this?
526
:You know, that really can shake you to
the core and make you feel really anxious.
527
:And then it's only years later when I'm
sitting in a music therapy clinic room
528
:and I'm like, well, I can play that
529
:transition really easily.
530
:I mean, no one else knows that, but
there's this tiny kind of, it's worth
531
:all those hours of isolation, but you
know, was it, you know, so there's
532
:just the, the isolation can really
be quite a fertile breeding ground.
533
:And, and that's why I think the contact
with other people is so important so
534
:that you can sort of reign that in and,
and keep it safe, you know, because
535
:it is important to think about those
big things, but not all the time.
536
:That's, you know, you've
got to stay present.
537
:Alex Attwood: I think you've got to be
smart because, the nature of what we do.
538
:I mean, look behind me.
539
:I'm, I'm a noise making explosion.
540
:Nothing in this room.
541
:Is conducive to having other people in the
room with me trying to, trying to work.
542
:It's a nightmare, you know, I'm
either going to be bashing, hitting,
543
:strumming or doing something.
544
:Therefore, in order to keep up that social
interaction that we need so much, you've
545
:got to think ahead of the curve and go,
right, well, look, I probably can't have
546
:someone in this room with me right now.
547
:I can't, you know, if you're in a
solicitor's office, you could talk to
548
:other solicitors about soliciting things.
549
:I can't talk to her about the latest, API
:
550
:what I'd love to do, just for a little bit
of time, not all day, but just for a bit.
551
:So you've got to set up that little
meeting, or, and that's what your
552
:coffee mornings are so brilliant
553
:Gareth: Oh, I've been bored so
senseless by compressor talk.
554
:Honestly.
555
:You'd be
556
:Alex Attwood: I could be that guy!
557
:I would love to bore you!
558
:Gareth: I was going to ask you,
Alex, is, you mentioned about after
559
:Muggate, uh, the tree incident,
um, that you did seek counselling.
560
:Did that unlock anything for you?
561
:Were there massive revelations?
562
:Was it stuff you already knew?
563
:How did that all go?
564
:Alex Attwood: Um, I think because
I just hadn't associated where I
565
:was at mentally, um, with work.
566
:I just tied it all up with, you know, my
rather fortunate middle class background
567
:and dived in there for about a week.
568
:Well, for however many sessions of
counselling I had, and it really
569
:wasn't until, well I'm 43 now, I
said it, it probably took me until I
570
:was 41 to go, Ah, maybe being on my
own's not good for me, because I like
571
:people, I like being around people.
572
:And that's what I mean about the scales
falling, and for me the biggest hurdle was
573
:realising that that was, I mean I'm not
saying it's the issue, but it's certainly,
574
:you know, you control the variables.
575
:And we all need things to live, thrive
and survive, and one of those important
576
:things is, you know, you sleep well.
577
:Try not to drink too much alcohol,
and you try and be around people
578
:who, if, if not at least make you
feel good about being yourself,
579
:remind you what it is to be human.
580
:And, as Grace was saying, it's
an inherently, lonely and vulnera
581
:vulnerabilizing, vulnerabilizing,
uh, career, because there's,
582
:there's no structure to it.
583
:You don't enter at level one
musician, level one gigging, level
584
:two composing, level three mild fame.
585
:It's complete free fall.
586
:So you're making your own rules.
587
:Therefore you have to bounce off
other people who are in the same
588
:experience just to be able to compare
notes and to say, Oh God, your middle
589
:finger drop off after you practice
going from F to D for three hours.
590
:Yes.
591
:All right.
592
:But then I did a gig.
593
:And I nailed it.
594
:So it was worth it.
595
:And so it gives, it
contextualizes everything.
596
:I remember my brother who's
a medic saying to me 10 years
597
:ago, I don't know how you do it.
598
:He's like, not only do not know how
much you're going to get paid at the
599
:end of every quarter, but there's
also no metric with which to assess
600
:how you're doing in your career.
601
:You can't say I've got, I've got
band H I'm on 25, 000 pounds a year.
602
:I'm aspiring to get here.
603
:You could be writing the best music in
the world and no one's listening, or
604
:it's brilliant to you and no one cares.
605
:Or you could be writing music
with boxing gloves and on BBC
606
:every day making millions.
607
:It's, I mean,
608
:Gareth: to that.
609
:Grace Meadows: There's, there's
two really, really big themes
610
:that you've just, uh, touched on.
611
:One is the precarious nature of this
thing that we call love music and having
612
:a life with it and working with it.
613
:And, the other is how we measure
success and what success looks like.
614
:And, I think as an industry, we have
a duty of care for those coming into
615
:it to have conversations with them
about what success looks like for them.
616
:So I think in the way Alex,
you were talking about, working
617
:out what you need as a person.
618
:I think that's one of the, one
of the first things that you can
619
:do a preventative step you can
do is try and we think we know
620
:ourselves and then, you know, mug
gate happens and you go, Oh, hello.
621
:Hi.
622
:Oh, where have you come from?
623
:You know,
624
:Alex Attwood: guy?
625
:Grace Meadows: but you know, I
think there's something about
626
:doing that reflective And I don't
think that that's airy fairy.
627
:I think that is about having a level
of emotional and psychological maturity
628
:that helps you navigate the world.
629
:So there's that piece of work, but there's
also alongside that of what would success
630
:look like in my eyes for me and would
help me feel like I'm winning at things.
631
:Not necessarily winning at life,
but winning at things because
632
:there's lots of ways to win at life.
633
:So I think there is a duty of care to
be had around how do we help people
634
:think about what success looks like.
635
:As you say, Alex, when there's no
structures there and you know, one day
636
:you can be gigging and it can be the
best thing and you're on the road for
637
:ages and you're having a great time, but
then whoa, All of those gigs dry up and
638
:you've got to go back into the studio,
but actually you can't afford the studio.
639
:So, you know, that kind of
precarious nature of it sort of
640
:goes hand in hand with what success
looks like because success for
641
:most people isn't a steady thing.
642
:So it's being able to find a way to
hold on to your core, I guess, so that
643
:you can navigate that precariousness
and the ups and downs of what your
644
:success looks like because Nothing is
645
:ever constant.
646
:That's the thing, isn't it?
647
:Alex Attwood: way of looking at it.
648
:And if I'm honest, I don't think other
than putting food on the table and the
649
:kind of the natural aspirations of having
a young family, I'd never really got
650
:much further than going what I'd like
to provide and I'd like to write music.
651
:I would love to have done more telly
stuff and as, and when that became
652
:apparent that it wasn't happening,
you kind of shift the goalposts.
653
:But I don't think as an actual framed
question, what does that look like?
654
:Uh, I'd certainly never thought about it.
655
:It was funny you saying hello, who's this
guy who suddenly walked in, something
656
:did change at that point, I wasn't
just sort of sitting on the stairs
657
:feeling miserable, I also got angry,
I'd get angry in the car, on my own,
658
:in ways that I'd never done before.
659
:And it became like a
third person in the room.
660
:never to that extent again.
661
:But certainly, I'd never been
angry about anything before.
662
:And now, sort of 15, 18 years
on, that guy's still there.
663
:He's a lot quieter, but he's still there.
664
:And I'd, I'd, I'd love to shush him
up a little bit more at some point.
665
:Gareth: You have, I mean, to an extent
you've actually both answered my next
666
:question, which was going to be what
strategies would you give for coping
667
:with the challenges that can happen?
668
:Alex Attwood: I've got two.
669
:I, I, I
670
:Gareth: Well, I was going to say, if you
have additional things to say, of course.
671
:Oh, I'm sorry.
672
:Alex Attwood: talked about your
coffees and you're chatting with peers.
673
:So, you know, it's lovely to have
people who love you, but they,
674
:they don't really want to know the
intricacies of your job all the time.
675
:And that is very reasonable.
676
:It's pretty boring.
677
:So the two bits I've got are firstly,
get other day jobs or volunteering.
678
:So I've done quite a lot of different
volunteering, over the last 10, 15 years.
679
:And it was a bit like going to church
when you're a kid, you kind of slightly
680
:drag your feet on the way there going,
then you do it and it's not that bad.
681
:And then you walk out going, either
because that's it over for another
682
:week or because you actually really
enjoyed it and got something out of it.
683
:And it's lovely.
684
:You just need the diversity of experience.
685
:And just to remember, you're not
the only person in the world.
686
:It's good just to get a different breath
of air and to remember, you know, you're
687
:not the only person who bad things
or good things have happened to you.
688
:It's really nice.
689
:And actually even.
690
:Side hustles.
691
:So I have done quite a lot of carpentry
and furniture making And different jobs
692
:and the more you do the more you get
out and it's lovely and I find the more
693
:It's not the more time I spend out of
the studio It just makes coming back to
694
:the studio more of a pleasure because
you miss it It feels like a drudge.
695
:But the other thing I was gonna say is so
it's really essential Own your decisions.
696
:So it's really, really hard to make it
in any kind of artistic career because
697
:of all the sort of, you know, the
lack of direct, um, well, directions
698
:and, as we were talking about.
699
:I often wondered, well, at what
point do you just say, maybe
700
:I'm just not very good at this.
701
:I, I I'd like to think the world's
not ready for me, but maybe I
702
:literally, I'm just not that guy
to do this thing at this time.
703
:And if you do just, just
own it and go, cool.
704
:Well, that's all right.
705
:So I'm going to take what I've got and
what I want to give, put it elsewhere.
706
:I'm still the same person.
707
:Or you can say, no, I am going to keep
knocking on the door and it might take
708
:another five years and it's still going
to hurt, but I'm going to own that.
709
:I'm going to own that it's, ah,
it's painful, but it's on me.
710
:It's not on them.
711
:I'm not going to blame anyone
else for not hiring me.
712
:And that's what happened to me when I ran
out of road with writing documentaries and
713
:writing for the BBC, which was, you know,
it was a really nice stage of my career.
714
:And after they dried up, I used to
go to London all the time, go out for
715
:coffees, everyone was very nice, you
know, loads of stuff fell through.
716
:Maybe some of it was personal, maybe some
of it was circumstantial, I don't know.
717
:But in the end I kind of went, 20
production companies can't all be wrong.
718
:So, come on, let's do something else.
719
:At which point I kind of went, well look,
actually this library is really lovely and
720
:I am still writing music, so just do that.
721
:And I'm not saying no to the
other stuff, but just own it.
722
:That's fine, I'll do that now.
723
:Because otherwise you just end up blaming.
724
:And that's the worst thing, you
mustn't put that on anybody else.
725
:You've got to be master
of your own situations.
726
:Frustrating when other people change the
course of it in ways that you don't want,
727
:but you've got to own it yourself if you
want to move forward to the next bit.
728
:Gareth: Brilliant.
729
:Grace Meadows: and that really
nicely sets up what I was going to
730
:say about taking responsibility, but
then also being really aware of what
731
:it is you can and can't control.
732
:So to your point about being frustrated,
you know, there are only so many things we
733
:have the capacity control as individuals.
734
:There are always other forces at work.
735
:And, you know, if you don't say, look,
I've done my best at this, but, you know,
736
:for whatever reason, it's not worked out.
737
:Then you aren't then going to give that
critical voice or your top dog, whatever
738
:people, I know everyone's got a different
name for their critical voice inside.
739
:Mine's top dog.
740
:Um, but you know, but you know, you
can turn around and say, actually,
741
:can you just get off my case?
742
:I did a really good thing today, or
I've worked on this project and I've
743
:done as well as I possibly can on it.
744
:So, you know, I can't give any more
of it and I have to just let it go.
745
:And then it means that you're not.
746
:You're not blaming other people.
747
:If you haven't done a good enough job,
well then you can give yourself a hard
748
:time about that and you can give yourself
permission to be cross with yourself.
749
:But, I think there's something about
being able to take the emotion out of
750
:it, ironically, and say, hang on, let's
look at this in a really practical way.
751
:Did you give it the time it needed?
752
:Did you give it everything
you possibly could?
753
:Yes, great, well then, great piece of
work that you can own, move on, next
754
:Alex Attwood: That's a
lovely way of looking at it.
755
:And it's particularly pertinent
in our field because as jobbing
756
:composers, we have almost no agency.
757
:We're the last in, first
out to most productions.
758
:We're at the whim of probably
five chains of command above us.
759
:So, to look at it and go, well,
by my standards, have I performed
760
:in a way that makes me proud and
happy with what I've set forward?
761
:Because, gosh, if you're only ever
responding to what other people do,
762
:you are at the mercy of absolutely
763
:Gareth: Yeah.
764
:Grace Meadows: Kind of bank of
resources to have to hand is, is
765
:again, follows a point of yours,
Alex, about finding your tribe.
766
:Find people that, you can have
conversations with where you feel safe
767
:professionally, but also who might be
happy to have a conversation with you
768
:where it sort of blurs around the edges.
769
:Because we are not separate people,
things blend and mix and we are, you know.
770
:But I think there is something about
finding people who, who feel like you're
771
:a part of their tribe and they don't
have to be doing exactly the same job
772
:as you in the industry, but they might
be people who have a similar outlook
773
:or, um, people that you aspire to,
you know, achieve as much as they've
774
:achieved or whatever it might be, but
find them and then connected to that.
775
:You might find yourself in a situation
where you feel you can ask for support
776
:or mentoring or coaching in some
way, because actually that can be
777
:a really good, sounding board and a
way of holding yourself accountable
778
:to your progress or your success.
779
:As you're saying, there is no framework
necessarily for success, but if you,
780
:if you have a mentoring relationship
with somebody, for example, then you
781
:can set out your aspirations and,
and put a timeframe around that.
782
:And then you can.
783
:You know, sort of be checking in with
them on a regular basis and saying,
784
:well, actually I've been really lax.
785
:I haven't done anything about this.
786
:Well, that's why you're feeling stuck, you
know, or it's not quite as simple as that.
787
:I know, but you know, there's, there's
a conversation that you can have
788
:there, which keeps you again, going
back to the point that Alex and I both
789
:have been making around, you know,
owning stuff and knowing what belongs
790
:to you and what belongs out there.
791
:If you're desperately seeking
to develop, then actually.
792
:That a lot of that sits with you.
793
:So you have to put things in
place to help you do that.
794
:And having a, a confidant, a mentor,
uh, a trusted somebody can be a
795
:good way of, of, doing that really.
796
:Alex Attwood: sounds lovely.
797
:Where do I
798
:sign?
799
:Gareth: I think you'll have a queue
800
:Grace Meadows: I'll send you my number.
801
:Alex Attwood: I love, I love the idea
of, Having some sort of structure and
802
:points of reference to work towards.
803
:To have someone notice if
you don't do something.
804
:Grace Meadows: It's actually a
really powerful thing, right, rather
805
:than going, yeah, that's great.
806
:You've not done that, but why?
807
:And then you get into the,
but the why conversation.
808
:What else has been going on then?
809
:Why haven't you focused on that?
810
:Gareth: Very often it's the
wall of indifference, isn't it?
811
:That is the worst thing.
812
:Yeah.
813
:Oh.
814
:Grace Meadows: that's a whole
815
:Gareth: That's a whole
816
:Grace Meadows: Ha, ha,
817
:Alex Attwood: I just
hit you with a wall of
818
:indifference just then.
819
:Gareth: Yeah.
820
:Alex Attwood: back at you.
821
:No, it is, it's exactly that.
822
:Because we work just so
terribly independently.
823
:You say we've got to form
these strategies, find a tribe.
824
:Um, and it's actually about, so, as I
said, personally, Sorry to kank on about
825
:me again, but I've, I've got these sets
of pals that I play sport with and do
826
:loads of things and they are the best
of guys, but again, I can't nibble
827
:on to them about what I've been doing
work wise and it's not like they don't
828
:ask, they do, but it's that tribe.
829
:That you need to find and it's,
yeah, easier now with zoomification.
830
:But still a step away.
831
:Gareth: So, uh, you've both given some
absolutely fantastic advice over this
832
:episode, but I do ask every guest, who
comes onto the show to leave an item
833
:and a piece of advice in the music
room for others to find the advice.
834
:You might want to just choose the
best bit of advice that you've already
835
:given, or you might have another bit.
836
:Um, Alex, let's start with you.
837
:What item would you like
to leave to begin with?
838
:Alex Attwood: Uh, my item, um,
predictably is a musical instrument,
839
:but it's a hang drum, uh, handpan.
840
:I got all excited about a project
three years ago and bought one.
841
:And they are aggressively expensive
and I regret it enormously.
842
:I had to sell it more recently to get
myself out of some financial strife.
843
:But for the few years that I had it,
it just reminded you why we got into
844
:what we're doing in the first place.
845
:You'd pass it and it's good.
846
:It's quite fun.
847
:Because what we do is we play
and it just reminded you just
848
:to enjoy playing like a kid.
849
:And if you want to spend ages
and work out some sort of crazy
850
:diatonic polyrhythm, do that.
851
:If you just want to hit it and make
a nice sound with your daughter or
852
:your mate, that's also really fun.
853
:So have a handpan just to play on and
remember that it's just a handpan.
854
:Playing and
855
:fun.
856
:Gareth: love that.
857
:Yes, it's very easy to be distracted
by the business aspects of what we do.
858
:So
859
:that's, yeah,
860
:that's a great item.
861
:Grace, your item, what
would you like to leave?
862
:Ah,
863
:Grace Meadows: playing is
how we learn about the world.
864
:It's like everything, isn't it?
865
:You know, when we stop playing,
you know, everything stops.
866
:I mean, I go to my musical instruments
when I need some release, but I think for
867
:me, there's something about permission
that I would leave for somebody to find.
868
:Um, cause we're not perfect and, um,
it's okay for it not to always be going
869
:in the right direction and to ask for
support, um, and I don't think that
870
:we give each other or ourselves enough
permission, so here's a massive envelope
871
:with permission in capital letters for
somebody to cash at any point, anywhere.
872
:Yeah, absolutely.
873
:Permission and play.
874
:There you go.
875
:Gareth: Yeah.
876
:Alex, your advice.
877
:would you like to leave?
878
:I
879
:Alex Attwood: to anyone, I mean, actually
anyone young, whoever comes and sits in,
880
:I always say get a different career first,
but that's not going to be my advice here.
881
:Like do music for fun.
882
:And if it takes off good on you, but
make sure that you've got a teaching
883
:qualification or anything else
first, but that's not my main one.
884
:And my main one too.
885
:People who are struggling,
uh, musicians, composers,
886
:particularly who are struggling is.
887
:Get out of the box, get out of the
studio as regularly as possible.
888
:Do as many different
diverse things as you can.
889
:Play squash, help someone do dry stone
walling, um, take an art class, whatever.
890
:Just change the landscape in
as diverse a way as possible.
891
:Firstly, just to get some fresh wind on
your face and then to make you appreciate
892
:when you come back to the studio.
893
:Cause it's ultimately our choice that
we do that and we mustn't be its slave.
894
:Do it because you want to do it.
895
:And the only way that you can
remember that you want to do it
896
:is by doing other stuff as well.
897
:And we need it because writing music
is a lonely, job And it can make you
898
:very vulnerable and you're putting
yourself out there for other people to
899
:judge you, whether that's by saying,
I think that's crap or I'm not going
900
:to give you any money for it, or
I'm not going to give you the job.
901
:So in order to develop the
robustness to deal with that, get
902
:out and about, do stuff and then
come back a little bit stronger.
903
:Gareth: love that.
904
:Fantastic advice.
905
:Thank you, Alex.
906
:Grace, how do
907
:Grace Meadows: Couldn't agree more.
908
:Yeah, love that.
909
:I think, I think that's absolutely true.
910
:And I would add to that,
obviously, use Music Minds Matter.
911
:It's there 24 seven.
912
:It's there for the whole industry.
913
:Pick up the phone.
914
:There's always somebody ready to listen.
915
:And yeah, explore the
services that are available.
916
:And I would also say, whether you're
well into your career, whether you're
917
:coming into the industry on your way
out, just, you know, think about what
918
:success looks like for you and, hold
onto that because You are not being
919
:measured by other people's success.
920
:What will make you truly content?
921
:And that's what we're looking for
really in life is contentment is to
922
:know that you've done as well as you
possibly could when it came to the
923
:things that you wanted to achieve.
924
:So I think there's something
about setting out that expectation
925
:for yourself when we manage our
expectations, we're much happier people.
926
:So yeah, work out what
success looks like for you.
927
:Everything that Alex said, which was
absolutely spot on, couldn't agree more.
928
:And reach out to Music Minds Matter.
929
:Gareth: Speaking of which, would
people reach out to Music Minds Matter?
930
:Grace Meadows: So you can go
on to our website, Music Minds
931
:Matter, or you can give us a ring.
932
:0 8 0 8 8 0 2 8 double 0 8.
933
:Okay.
934
:Gareth: Thank you very much.
935
:I'll include the website
in the show notes as well
936
:so people can
937
:Grace Meadows: lovely.
938
:Thank you.
939
:Gareth: Alex Atwood, Grace
Meadows, thank you so much for
940
:joining me in the music room.
941
:Grace Meadows: Pleasure.
942
:Thank you.
943
:Thank you.
944
:Gareth: Thanks for listening to
the Music Room podcast today.
945
:If you'd like to know more about the
show or the community that surrounds
946
:it, head to music room.community.
947
:The link is in the show notes.